Two days ago, I logged into Facebook - 2 friend requests. One was a friend's ex boyfriend who I had always liked, and the other was her. My best friend from high school. The Betrayer. The girl who broke my heart into so many pieces, I figured I probably shouldn't trust anyone again, just to be safe.
This will happen to you too. Someone from long ago will assume that old wounds have healed, and ask you, through the social networking utility of your choice, to reconnect. It is of course up to you to say yes or no, but there's a deeper meaning to "Hey, how are you?" It's an opportunity to make peace with your past. A chance to take a look at yourself, see where you've come from, where you've gone, and who you are.
Shrinks will tell us that forgiveness is a great thing, that it can do wonders for your psyche. And I'm sure it can. But introspection and a little spite go a long way too.
This friend request made me take a look at what the last five years had brought the both of us. I'm still at the same community college, not yet -but almost- done with my degree. Currently unemployed, living with my parents, and depressed as all hell. She graduated from an awesome school, is surrounded by friends and family in all her pictures, and seems to be doing well. At first glance, it looks like she's just reminded me of all I don't have.
After thinking about it for a while though, I feel like I'm doing okay. Maybe even better than her. Because for all my five years getting my AA, I've learned a lot about myself - that I can live on my own, support myself and keep school a priority, no scholarships needed. I found that I was really good at languages, something I wouldn't have known if I'd plowed through college. And that I care deeply about education, its shortcomings, and how to improve it.
I've held down a lot of jobs, but also knew when it was time to call it quits. I also knew when it was time to move back in with my parents, even though it meant giving up a lot of my freedom and the responsibility I had become accustomed to.
I think that I would not have enjoyed a life where I rushed through my education to get on with my life and career. I've noticed that I'm a person who makes her own schedule, and holds the world to it, not the other way around. I follow my gut when it comes to the timing of major changes, but I also hold that fortune favors the bold, and I don't hold back when I see something I want. I always see the adventure in everything, even and especially my mistakes. I have had myself some good times, and some good friends. I feel like I could tell you some great stories, even at 23.
Even the depression I've been fighting has its good points - sure, I can't make myself apply for jobs, but the nothingness that I sink into brings up thoughts I didn't know I had, and the lack of obligations in my life gives me time to explore those thoughts, and have a few new ones. I'm reading more, which is something I love to do, and it's nice to enjoy, for once, being content. Not happy, not up and at 'em, not enjoying life to the fullest. But content.
She must have sacrificed a lot to get to where she is. Maybe she doesn't even know it. And I know that other roads I could have taken would have yielded more for me, but things seem to work out pretty well with the choices I make.
Making peace with one's past isn't always about forgiving the mistakes of others. Sometimes it's about looking at the choices you made, and being happy with them. Discovering that actually, you are doing well, thanks for asking. Prepare for your harder reunions by taking survey of yourself before you need to. Practice when your old lab partner pops back into your life, so you aren't so startled when That One Ex comes back to haunt you.
P.S. The spite: I weigh what I did in high school, and she got fat. Hehehehe. Thank you, college, for requiring me to take a PE class to graduate. "You've never looked better" helps a lot when battling "I don't know if I'm ready for this yet."
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