Some Thinky Thoughts

My Specific Use of Language

2010-03-29T21:12:00.000-07:00

I think there's a lot of power in language. Something more than what is written is said when you choose to capitalize your I's, spell properly, use punctuation -- and when you don't.

For the last few years, I've taken to being very precise in my language use. I think about many levels of nuance when I speak, and often find myself unable to talk about a subject if I can't "find the right words." I don't want to be imprecise, I don't want there to be any misunderstandings. I want to say exactly what I mean.

When I talk about who I date, I use the word "people." Not men, or guys, or boys, unless I'm talking about a specific subset, but people. I date people. Part of this is my insistence that I am bisexual, although I have yet to date a lady. I think when I decided I was bi, or at least "keeping my options open," that part of that meant I judged and dated people as individual persons, not primarily defined by their gender or sex. So I date people. Some of these people are boys, a few of them are men, and there's also a few guys I've messed around with in a not rigidly defined manner.

I date people. I think of people in general as human beings, individuals worthy of merit and my respect until proven otherwise, and having many attributes, including hair color, sense of humor, intelligence, undying love for Lady GaGa, warmth and compassion, drive, cooking skills, guilty pleasures, fears, and oh yeah, gender and sex.

Movie Review: The Piano

2010-03-18T22:04:00.000-07:00

With the recent news of Kathryn Bigelow's Oscar for Best Director for her film The Hurt Locker, I was inspired to see the other three films directed by women that had been nominated for Best Director: The Piano, directed by Jane Campion, Lost in Translation, directed by Sofia Coppola, and Seven Beauties, directed by Lina Wertmüller. These posts will contain spoilers for these movies.

I've just finished The Piano, and it's quite a movie. From the Netflix description:

Holly Hunter stars as Ada McGrath, a mute but strong-willed 19th-century Scottish expatriate who arrives in New Zealand with her daughter (Anna Paquin) and her beloved piano in tow. Although betrothed to a landowner (Sam Neill), she's pulled into an affair with a laborer (Harvey Keitel). Hunter and Paquin both won Oscars for their performances in this haunting drama from writer-director Jane Campion.

"She's pulled into an affair with a laborer."

What they mean by that line is that when her new fiance takes her posessions, all but her piano, up from the beach to his house inland, the laborer hauls it up to his house, and asks her to prostitute herself to him as payment for later returning her piano to her. Where I come from, the sexual acts she engages in are called "coercion" and are fucking messed up. Somehow, in between the groping, frotteurism and later rape, he expects her to fall in love with him. At one point he rips her shirt, trying to get at her, and wonders why she resists. Later, they have sexual intercourse, he is wracked with sadness, not because he raped her, or has been forcing her into ever-more-escalating acts of sexual degradation, but because she doesn't love him. He is so distraught by this that he gives her back her own piano, even though by their agreement, she hasn't paid for it fully.

"A mute but strong-willed 19th-century Scottish expatriate..."

She's disabled. We've seen countless examples of disabled people being taken advantage of - financially, sexually, emotionally - and it seems like this is not a new trend. Her father marries her off to a man living in New Zealand, whom she's never met. But of course her father knows better than her what she needs - not only is she a woman, she's a mother, and a disabled one at that! We Should Definitely Help Her, because We Know Better.

The laborer takes advantage of the fact that she can't scream, can't tell her new fiance about his disgusting proposition and proceeds to sexually exploit her, using the only other thing she loves besides her daughter- her piano- as the hostage that she's willing to do anything for to rescue. We Should Definitely Love Her, because We Know Better.

Somehow, via the magical coercion-as-courtship romantic pathway, she does fall in love with him. She goes to him willingly, and they have magical love-at-last sex. You know, the kind that abused women have after their sense of self has been stripped away and abuse is all they understand anymore. Oh hey look, We Did Know Better. Told You So.

When her fiance finds out that she doesn't love him (not that he's made more than a cursory effort to get to know her, and leaves her fucking piano on the beach as his first action as fiance), he tries to rape her in the forest. She can't scream, but she fights, fights, pulls herself away using the trees, and the attempted rape is not completed. He then boards up the windows on his house, and nails a board to the door - the outside. He forbids her from seeing him. She pines. On the news that the laborer is leaving for good, the fiance takes off the boards. She goes to her fiance in the night, and touches him, tries to be with him like she is expected to, even though the closest they've ever been was the earlier attempted rape in the forest. We Should Definitely Have Her, because We Are Owed.

When she sends a message to the laborer the next day, telling him her heart belongs to him, it's intercepted by her fiance. Guess what he does? CHOPS OFF HER FUCKING FINGER. She goes in to shock, he sends her finger wrapped in a cloth with her daughter* to give to the laborer, with the message that he's never to see her again. While she's recuperating from the loss of her appendage, like, hours after its removal, he decides it's a fantastic time to rape her. Again, his rape isn't completed, because she wakes up. We Told You Not To Make Us Angry, because This Is What You Get.

Eventually, he lets her and her daughter go with the laborer. He admits his defeat, and she happily goes with her first rapist off to live a happy life somewhere else. We Told You We Loved You, and We Always Win In The End.

The portrayal of the Maori people in this movie was also troublesome - I feel like their alternative sexual mores (as depicted in the film, I don't know how accurate they are compared to real life) were presented without judgment other than the cultural biases of the white characters, but the majority of their actions aside from sexual mores was really paternalistic. The Maori were treated as little better than slaves, and while they weren't quite "yessuh massah," the behavioral resemblance between them and The Good Black Slave was really obvious. They often stopped what work they were doing for their white "employers" to go off and do "native" things, and were greatly looked down upon by the white characters for their childlike actions, occasionally even regarded with fear. This is also pretty fucked up, it seems like directors can't figure out a way to depict a group of brown people as anything other than slaves, villains, or Noble Savages. We Fear Your Otherness, so We Try Our Best To Keep You Down.

Feminism is all about intersectionality. This film portrays a few of the many indignities that people suffer as women, mothers, disabled persons and non-white persons. It however, fucks up entirely in its portrayal of coercion-as-courtship as something good, romantic, dramatic, worthy of merit and accolades. This movie was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Director. People swoon over the "sexy" scenes with Harvey Keitel, and Sam Neill. You know, the rape scenes, the sexual coercion scenes. Netflix tagged this movie as "Emotional, Steamy, Romantic."

This movie is actually "Fucked Up, Triggering, Horrific."

* Majorly fucked up. Beyond-words-fucked-up.

Songs about Being Stalkers!

2010-03-17T01:00:00.000-07:00

As a feminist, I try to read lots of books by women, listen to music by women, seek out examples of women in science, math and technology, and try to make the world a better place, especially for women. I also take care to point out examples of inequality and prejudice, call people on anti-woman speech or actions and do what I can to spread the ideas that feminism is awesome, and seeks to make the world better for everyone, not just women. Intersectionality and all that great stuff.

I also have a playlist on my computer called "Stalkertastic." It's a very short list of songs that I own, which are basically, about stalking. Here's that list:

A Winter's Tale, by The Tunics (listen here)

1000 Nights, by Nickel

Every Breath You Take, by The Police

Fly on the Wall, by tATu

The last one is the most recent song I've found, off tATu's newest album. It's interesting to hear such a creepy song from a woman's point of view, even though stereotypically, it's women who are obsessed with men, and doodle hearts and "Mrs. Somesuch" on notebooks and the like.

One thing I hate about all these songs? They're all super-catchy and awesome. Creepy should not sound that good.

What do you think? Any songs I've missed?

Abortion in Fast Times vs. Glee [massive spoilers]

2009-10-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

Massive spoilers! Just sayin!

---

I just finished watching Fast Times at Ridgement High, and have been keeping up with Glee via Hulu. One of the things that caught my eye was how differently high school was portrayed in the two features. In Fast Times, the girls lie about their ages and have sex with much older guys, and it's no big deal. Sex isn't sacred, it's something to have, and enjoy, and get better at. In Glee, sex is about as big of an elephant as one can have in a TV show - everyone wants it, anyone -female anyone, that is- who has it outside marriage is branded with those words we know so well - whore, slut, skank.

Stacy in Fast Times is kind of going out with Mark, but fools around and has sex with his best friend, and gets pregnant. Quinn's pregnancy in Glee is almost the mirror image of Stacy's pregnancy: she is a very devout Christian (head of the Chastity Club even!), but has sex and gets pregnant not by her boyfriend, but by his best friend.

Where Quinn refuses to even consider an abortion though, and her boyfriend steps up to take care of her and "his" child, Stacy not only sets up her own appointment, but goes to the fellow in question and asks him to pay for half and give her a ride. When he bails, she pays for it herself, writes him off as a prick, and goes on with her life.

I think both these situations are portrayed accurately for the characters. It is comprehensible that Quinn, raised only with the teachings of Abstinence and Hellfire, would not even think of having an abortion. It is also comprehensible that Stacy, in a culture of unknown teachings but surrounded by Sex as Normalcy would see abortion as not only a logical choice, but the only real option. Like she says, she didn't even like the guy.

I think we can agree that Stacy's promiscuous behavior would cause her problems in this day and age - condoms were not used, which would open her up to STDs as well as pregnancy, and our culture is very unforgiving of female sexual behavior, and she would probably encounter stigma rather than admiration.

Depending on where she lives, she might also have a far more difficult time getting an abortion - parental consent laws, mandatory waiting times, anti-choice protesters with long-range cameras and the sheer unavailability of places to get an abortion probably would have made for a very different movie.

She also starts having sex at 15, and her first sexual experience is with a 26 year old. We've seen in several court cases that "she said she was 19" is not a valid excuse for statutory rape, so I can only imagine the worlds of devastation that would be wrought on Stacy and that man's lives if their relationship had been brought to the attention of the police.

Our world has changed so much since the 80's - abstinence education has provided a barrier to accurate sexual health information, and sexuality is again seen as man's domain, with women fighting to feel unashamed for doing what and whom they want. It's so interesting to see the disparity that has grown over time in two amazing pieces of pop culture.

3 THINGS I AM GRUMPY ABOUT TODAY

2009-08-17T15:31:00.000-07:00

Item the first: Moolf's "Amazing Underwater Photo Sets"

Glancing at the title, one might think, "Ooooh, cool photos shot underwater! I bet people found all sorts of interesting things to do!" But looking at the post, one sees merely variations on a single theme: Ladies in fancy clothes, underwater. I'm no photographer, but I fancy I have an eye for style, detail, and artistic differentiation. To my eye, not only are these photographs all of the same subject matter, but they all look almost exactly the same!

Things they have in common (in general):

Dark background
Fancy clothes
Sexualized poses
Lack of focus on face
White-skinned
Passiveness
Lack of story
Mainstream stand of beauty maintained

I feel like pretty colors and bubbles aside, these photo sets offer very little that is amazing. They do offer very much that is standard, commercial, setting unrealistic expectations of beauty, sexually exploitative, encouraging of the "women are objects" idea, racist, and frivolous.

There is something to be said for the interestingness of fabric under water, creating a story through images, and the glorification of wealth in interesting ways. But it seems like no matter what medium, it always looks the same.

Do a search on Flickr for "underwater" and some seriously amazing images start appearing, ones that don't conform to current beauty standards, misogyny or racism.

Item the second: Eliot Spitzer's article on Slate.com

So the guy cheated on his wife and ran a prostitution ring and dude, entirely misused state funds. So what? I mean, everyone's tempted sometimes, and sometimes temptation gets the better of us. It's not like he was in a position of power or anything. OH WAIT. Why are we still hearing from this guy? Why are publications like Slate.com allowing him to use them as his personal soapbox to talk about any damn thing he pleases, when really, he should be in jail.

For all that humans are fallible, people in positions of power should be held accountable to a higher standard because 1) they have power over others and 2) they are setting an example for the people they have power over, and their contemporaries.

I don't want to hear anything from anyone who screwed up so many things, in so many ways, so badly, like Eliot Spitzer.

Item the third: Crimson Editor is only for Windows

This looks like quite possibly the coolest thing in the world. I'm not a programmer, but sometimes I write things, and I wantwantwant this. But no, cannot has, not yours. *sob*

One thing I am deliriously happy about: Psych is back on, and Hulu has the new episodes!

Call me an addict if you will, but this is one of the cleverest shows on television. It has the gullibility of humanity, respect for skills of observation, and a giant heaping of intelligent and pop-culture-referencing humor. SOLD.

Changing Flash Defaults Online

2009-08-14T13:06:00.001-07:00

Regarding this Wired.com post on Flash cookies, I decided to go to Adobe's crazy-ass settings page and set me some defaults. [Here] is the URL, and this is what it should look like:

I took screenshots of each tab as I went through, and have highlighted which options I chose.

Tab 1:
I chose "Always Deny" to prevent any site from accessing my microphone or camera. I don't have a camera on this computer, but 1) I am really sick of the little pop up, and 2) WTF don't record me or my ambient noise!

Tab 2:
I changed the amount of disk space websites can use for cookies or preloading or whatever to 0, from 100k. I changed the box to "Never Ask Again", and unchecked the "Allow third-party Flash Content to store data on your computer" box. I left the "common Flash components" box alone, because I do watch videos fairly frequently, and while I'd like to see what these common Flash components are, I think I'll be ok.

Tab 3:
There is a very excellent reason why I upgrade Firefox and its add-ons: security. So no, no one gets to access my system in a way that has been deemed insecure.

Tab 4:
From my global default in Tab 1 of "NO" to accessing the camera/microphone, the "Always ask/allow/deny" options have been blanked out. There was a list of websites that had come up and I denied access to manually before this, so I deleted them. A lot of them were random news sites, myspace and blogs. Weird.

Tab 5:
From my global defaults of "None" and "Never Ask Again" in Tab 2, those areas have been blanked out here. Again I chose to delete all sites that I had previously denied access to.

So now I feel a little more confident in the future of my internet browsing. The only thing that may have me running back here is Hulu - if I can't watch my House, I'll come back here and Find A Way, even if it means changing all my Tab 2 defaults back to OK, and having to deny everything else on the internet manually.

Now that's an idea for a feature request - Allow me to tell Adobe "only let these sites store data on my computer" and deny all others by default.

I do recommend checking out the Wired.com article to learn more about Flash Cookies, and also how to delete them off several different operating systems (look for the "Tools" section near the bottom of the article). I'm about to do that right now, and then see which of my friends would like a bit more internet privacy, too :)

Turning Gay

2009-04-17T01:18:00.000-07:00

This post card is from this week's (4/12/09) PostSecret, and it kind of caught me off guard.

I would consider myself a fairly ardent feminist - I am all for womens' rights, societal equality and having it all, but I want these things for all people; gay, straight, minorities, disabled, poor, basically everyone who doesn't fit the American default of the Straight Native-Born Abled White Educated Male - and I think I do a good job of keeping myself informed, talking about issues to a variety of people, and doing what I can when I can.

So I know a lot about gay-re-education efforts - generally fundamentalist religious people who think that they can "straighten" out gay folks through God's Love, God's Words and probably a lot of brainwashing and some torture just in case. Shrinks worth their salt know that this kind of thing doesn't work, that you can't make anyone be straight any more than you can make someone be gay. This I Know.

But here we have someone who's probably in a lot of pain*, who wants to be straight. Who wants to be "normal." And I'm betting they've tried the religion route, the chastity route, every damn thing that might work, might allow them to live the life society says they should. And somehow they ended up on porn. And they think it's working for them.

There's not a part of me that doesn't wish them the best. And I kind of like that while the fundies are pushing God as the way to Straightness, it's actually Sinful, Sinful Sex that's making this guy change his orientation. I take it back, I love it. What's more, I think it's for real. And that's what caught me off guard.

When I was in high school, my best internet friend was bi. I, being the very logical geek who read more sci fi than was probably healthy, firmly decided that I Didn't Know Yet, and was going to Leave My Options Open. I eventually came down on the straight side of bi, and I feel pretty good about that. No pain, no anguish, and socially acceptable.

But what made me bi? Do I actually like girls in That Way? I've never been with another girl, so I don't have a lot of data to go on, but this postcard, this secret, makes me wonder about the sexualization of women in the media and society, and if maybe that made me bi. Maybe seeing porny images of ladies every two seconds in advertising, television, magazines and really, everywhere, is turning me gay.

I feel like bi is the new straight for girls, like there's a serious portion of society that not only accepts bisexuality, but expects it, especially from nubile young lasses. Like, you're the weirdo if you say, flat out, you'd never even make out with another chick. It seems like there's a correlation between this bisexuality "outbreak" and the serious increase in the porniness level of advertising and the media, and I'm gonna go ahead and imply causation as well.

This makes me think back to high school, when I did Slam Poetry (yeah, I know), and was writing about my uncertain feelings, about the ohmigod cute girl I totally had a crush on, and yes, wrote poems about. That was the year I started making friends, took theater, started paying attention to my clothes, basically joined society. And started being exposed in much higher dosages to advertising.

So here's a stumper for you: is my advertising/media/porn influenced sexual re-orientation any less valid, now that I know it didn't all come from within?

*Someone who's in pain - who would choose to live in a society where they are persecuted, and whose dating and romantic options are limited to 3-5% of the population, making it about a zillion times harder to find Someone, much less The One? Yeah, calling BS on the "gay is a choice" thing.

Make Peace with your Past Before it Friends you on Facebook

2009-03-11T15:52:00.000-07:00

Two days ago, I logged into Facebook - 2 friend requests. One was a friend's ex boyfriend who I had always liked, and the other was her. My best friend from high school. The Betrayer. The girl who broke my heart into so many pieces, I figured I probably shouldn't trust anyone again, just to be safe.

This will happen to you too. Someone from long ago will assume that old wounds have healed, and ask you, through the social networking utility of your choice, to reconnect. It is of course up to you to say yes or no, but there's a deeper meaning to "Hey, how are you?" It's an opportunity to make peace with your past. A chance to take a look at yourself, see where you've come from, where you've gone, and who you are.

Shrinks will tell us that forgiveness is a great thing, that it can do wonders for your psyche. And I'm sure it can. But introspection and a little spite go a long way too.

This friend request made me take a look at what the last five years had brought the both of us. I'm still at the same community college, not yet -but almost- done with my degree. Currently unemployed, living with my parents, and depressed as all hell. She graduated from an awesome school, is surrounded by friends and family in all her pictures, and seems to be doing well. At first glance, it looks like she's just reminded me of all I don't have.

After thinking about it for a while though, I feel like I'm doing okay. Maybe even better than her. Because for all my five years getting my AA, I've learned a lot about myself - that I can live on my own, support myself and keep school a priority, no scholarships needed. I found that I was really good at languages, something I wouldn't have known if I'd plowed through college. And that I care deeply about education, its shortcomings, and how to improve it.

I've held down a lot of jobs, but also knew when it was time to call it quits. I also knew when it was time to move back in with my parents, even though it meant giving up a lot of my freedom and the responsibility I had become accustomed to.

I think that I would not have enjoyed a life where I rushed through my education to get on with my life and career. I've noticed that I'm a person who makes her own schedule, and holds the world to it, not the other way around. I follow my gut when it comes to the timing of major changes, but I also hold that fortune favors the bold, and I don't hold back when I see something I want. I always see the adventure in everything, even and especially my mistakes. I have had myself some good times, and some good friends. I feel like I could tell you some great stories, even at 23.

Even the depression I've been fighting has its good points - sure, I can't make myself apply for jobs, but the nothingness that I sink into brings up thoughts I didn't know I had, and the lack of obligations in my life gives me time to explore those thoughts, and have a few new ones. I'm reading more, which is something I love to do, and it's nice to enjoy, for once, being content. Not happy, not up and at 'em, not enjoying life to the fullest. But content.

She must have sacrificed a lot to get to where she is. Maybe she doesn't even know it. And I know that other roads I could have taken would have yielded more for me, but things seem to work out pretty well with the choices I make.

Making peace with one's past isn't always about forgiving the mistakes of others. Sometimes it's about looking at the choices you made, and being happy with them. Discovering that actually, you are doing well, thanks for asking. Prepare for your harder reunions by taking survey of yourself before you need to. Practice when your old lab partner pops back into your life, so you aren't so startled when That One Ex comes back to haunt you.

P.S. The spite: I weigh what I did in high school, and she got fat. Hehehehe. Thank you, college, for requiring me to take a PE class to graduate. "You've never looked better" helps a lot when battling "I don't know if I'm ready for this yet."

Discovery

2009-02-21T19:07:00.000-08:00

We all make discoveries, every day, big and small. Maybe you find a quicker way to work one morning when there's a jam at your usual light. Maybe browsing on Facebook leads you to someone you haven't seen in years, but were just thinking about the other day. Maybe you find a pair of socks in your lover's laundry that doesn't belong to you... or your lover. Maybe you happen to have Wikipedia up when a trivial question pops up in your mind.

These discoveries can change our lives in ways we never could have imagined - now you get to sleep in five minutes later, or ask your old classmate how life is going, or find out that some people have to wash their clothes before they are worn, even if they're being given as gifts, and use up your five minutes of staying-up-later time reading about squirrels.

The thing I most recently discovered is that one can make Rice-a-Roni in a rice maker. Making dinner -and my life- has now gotten that much easier, since my discovery.

What have you discovered lately?